The Five As for Resolving Conflict WEEK 9 - PART 2

This week's Bible verse is a familiar one. You may already have it memorized:

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our 

sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I John 1:9

There is a popular saying among Christians: "Confession is good for the soul." And we know that this is true. Confession is not only good for the soul, it also helps us diffuse and dispel conflict. Look in your Workbook page 7-3 as we listen to the sound clip below. This song, 5As, will help us memorize a great tool for correctly responding to conflict.

Here is the music:

Here is the audio song:

Using the 5As is a process, a way you can respond to your conflicts according to God's Word. Yesterday we wrote down three definitions; repentance, confession, and forgiveness. These three principles are the foundation of the 5As.

Look at three Workbook pages: 7-4, 7-5, and 7-6, and follow along as we talk about the 5As. You may color the pages as we go over each one.

ADMIT

It will be natural for you to think that other people's wrongs are worse than yours and that they need to admit their wrongs first. But this is not what Jesus says. In Matthew 7:3-5 he says, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Jesus wants you to admit your wrongs first, even if you think they are smaller than other people's wrongs.
  • "I admit I was wrong when I (name your specific sinful attitude and bad choice)."
  • "I admit I was angry and disrespectful, and I was wrong to talk back to you."
  • "I admit I was wrong and selfish when I left you out of the group. I was jealous because my friends seemed to like you better than me."
  • "I admit I was _________________________________ (fill in the blank),

APOLOGIZE

Some people think that when they admit to and apologize for their bad choices, it's like saying the fault was all theirs and the other person did nothing wrong. This is not true. The other person's choices are not your responsibility--only your choices are! And God wants each of you to admit and apologize only for your own choices. Admitting and apologizing does not cancel the other person's wrong choices. Admitting and apologizing demonstrates that you are taking responsibility for your own choices, and that you are sorry for those choices.

It is important to understand that there is a difference between worldly sorrow, which is being sorry for getting caught, and godly sorry, which is being sorry for doing wrong. "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death" (2 Cor. 7:10).

When you are sorry only for getting caught, you will probably make the same choices in the future; you will just be more careful not to get caught again. This can lead to dishonesty, deceit, and much more trouble.

However, when you realize that you have done wrong and feel genuine sorrow or regret, you will want to change your choices. The Bible calls this repentance. You will take responsibility for the effect your choice had on others, and you will want to resist the temptation to make the same wrong choices in the future. This doesn't mean that you will become perfect; you may still struggle with the same wrong choices, especially if those choices are habits. Repentance means that you will ask God to help you to conquer your wrong choices and give you the determination to make right choices more often. God will do his good work in you, as the Bible promises: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phil.1:6)

Be sure that you don't admit to or apologize for choices that you did not make. Friends may try to persuade you to take the blame for choices they have made. It's important to take responsibility for your own choices, but not for anyone else's.
  • "I am sorry for (acknowledge how you may have affected the person)."
  • "I am sorry for hurting your feelings."
  • "I am sorry for embarrassing you in front of your friends."
  • "I am sorry for ___________________________________ (fill in the blank).

ACCEPT

An important and necessary part of resolving conflict is accepting the consequences for choices. When you accept your consequences without arguing or pouting, you demonstrate that your repentance is genuine. In other words, you are truly sorry for what you did and you want to make restitution*.  For example, if you admit that you broke a window, you should offer to pay for a new one. By doing this, you are showing that:
  • You are sorry for doing wrong, instead of just being sorry for getting caught.
  • You are taking responsibility for your choices, and by doing so, you are glorifying the Lord.
  • You are resisting the temptation to blame someone else for your own choices.
  • You are not trying to get out of the consequences, but rather you are accepting your consequence of making restitution for what you did.
Sometimes we think that when we admit, apologize, and ask for forgiveness we should automatically be released from the consequences for our choices. This is not true. While some people may be merciful and release us from the consequences, they do not have to do so. We always need to be prepared to accept the consequences of our actions.

Here are some things you can say to show that you are accepting your consequences:
  • "I understand why I need to (describe the consequences you need to accept)."
  • "I understand why I need to stay home from the game tonight."
  • "I understand why I need to get a zero on my math test, since I cheated."
  • "I understand why I need to ______________________ (fill in the blank).
This is not to say that you will like the consequences, but rather that you are willing to accept them because you know that they are a result of your choices.

* Restitution is a word we put in the glossary in Week 5. It means to make a wrong right or pay for damages that we have caused.

ASK

At this point you are seeking forgiveness from God and from those you have hurt or offended. Once you honestly admit your sins, God will always forgive you, and other people usually will, too. Sometimes the person you wronged will quickly say, "I forgive you." But if not, you may need to ask this question: 
  • "Will you please forgive me?"
If you see that the person is having trouble forgiving you, you may need to ask yourself if you have confessed and apologized sincerely and completely. If you haven't, try again and this time make your confession sincere. If you have, then wait patiently and resist the temptation to pressure the person to forgive you. In the meantime, you can thank God that he has forgiven you and pray that he will soften the person's heart so that he or she will forgive you too. You can make a choice to treat the person in a respectful and kind way no matter what.

Even though we'll talk about forgiveness in more detail in the next lesson. I want to briefly explain what the words, "I forgive you" mean according to the Bible. The person giving forgiveness makes a commitment to forgive as Jesus forgives. When Jesus forgives, he forgives completely. He harbors no bitterness or resentment in his heart, and he promises to give us a new beginning in our relationship with him.

If you have taken responsibility for your sinful choices by using the first three "As," then you have made it easier for the person you hurt to forgive you. When you ask for forgiveness, you are seeking to restore your relationship. You are seeking reconciliation.

ALTER

Webster's dictionary defines alter as "to make or become different." This definition sheds light on what it means to alter your choices. When you sin by making a wrong choice, you need to learn to make different choices in the future. It's like turning and going in a different direction. For example, instead of coming home late, you can come home on time. even if you are having fun at your friend's house and want to stay longer. Using the "fifth A," you can explain what you plan to do differently the next time by saying something like:
  • "With God's help, next time I will (explain what you plan to do differently) instead of (name the bad choice you made)."
  • "With God's help, next time I will ask for permission to stay out later instead of choosing not to come home on time."
  • "With God's help, next time I will _____________________ (fill in the blank),
Altering a choice can be difficult, especially if your choice has become a habit. Don't get discouraged or give up hope. God can change your heart and help you change your choices from wrong to right. In other words. for a Christian it's never too late to start doing what's right. (C. Sande, pp. 103-106)

Sande, Corlette. The Young Peace Maker Teaching Students to Respond to Conflict God’s Way, Illustrated by Russ Flint, Wapwallopen, PA 18660, Shepherd Press, 1997.





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