Think Before You Speak WEEK 12 - PART 2

 He who guards his mouth and his tongue

    keeps himself from calamity.     Proverbs 21:23

In our last lesson we compared respectful and disrespectful ways of communicating. And we learned that our communication can be verbal and non-verbal. We will cover non-verbal communication more thoroughly in the next chapter, but for now we need to understand that even our bodies can send messages that are respectful or disrespectful. 

Look over your T-charts from last lesson and refresh your memory on the differences of being respectful and not being respectful.

Before you communicate, you need to think about the verbal and nonverbal messages you are going to send to other people. Verbal communication means that you send messages using words, sounds, or tone of voice. This is done by:

* Talking                  * Screaming

* Whispering            * Talking back

* Shouting                * Sighing

* Mumbling              * ________________

Verbal communication is usually easier to understand than nonverbal communication, because words have certain meanings. You can understand what I mean if I say:

• "Hi!"
• "I'll be home at 4 o'clock this afternoon."
• "Please clean up the mess in the kitchen."

Nonverbal communication means that you send messages by your actions, gestures, or facial expressions. This is sometimes called body language.

• Eye contact
• Facial expressions
• Body posture
• Listening

See if you can tell me what I am communicating with the nonverbal message. [Teachers, act out the following messages.]

• Wave "hello" to a friend.
• Slam the door and look angry.
• Slump your shoulders and look sad.
• Jump up and down and act excited.
• Motion with your arm to come here.
• Roll you eyes to look disgusted or bored.

"I MESSAGES"

When you communicate verbally, it is important to think before you speak and plan to put words together in a respectful and responsible way. One way to do this is to use "I messages."  

These messages begin with the word "I" instead of "you." Rather than focusing on what others have down wrong, "I messages" describe your situation, feelings, or thoughts and show that you are taking responsibility for your part in a conflict. The 5As are "I messages" to use when you need to confess sinful attitudes and actions. But there are other uses for "I messages." For example you can use "I messages" to:

• Demonstrate that you are taking responsibility for your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, needs and desires, and explain your reasons for them.
• Confront a person about something he or she has done.
• Request that a need be met or a desire be considered.
• Ask for something you want. 
• Express thanks and appreciation.

Let's think about Carlos for a moment. If he had used "I messages" to express his feelings and respectfully confront his father, he could have helped to prevent the conflict that occurred between them. He could have said something like:

"Dad, I am disappointed, because I thought you said we were going canoeing this morning."

By using these words, Carlos could communicate his feelings to his father in a loving way. the "I message" doesn't blame or accuse Carlos' father, but helps him to understand how his son feels about a broken promise. Carlos is not responsible for how his father responds to this confrontation. In fact, his father may respond by slipping into the escape or attack zone. Even so, Carlos is only responsible for how he communicated his thoughts and feelings to his father. It is important for him to think before he speaks so he won't provoke a worse conflict. (C. Sande, pp. 144-145.)

1. Workbook 10-10 there are several thoughtless statements that should never be spoken. Can you think of a better, nicer, more encouraging way of communicating than what is written? Follow the directions at the top of the page.

2. Throughout your day try to use "I messages" as much as you can. When you hear someone else using "I messages," give them a high five.

Sande, Corlette. The Young Peace Maker Teaching Students to Respond to Conflict God’s Way, Illustrated by Russ Flint, Wapwallopen, PA 18660, Shepherd Press, 1997.