Think Before You Speak WEEK 12 - PART 3

WHAT TO COMMUNICATE

Like Carlos, you need to think before you speak. Think about using "I messages," which will communicate to others that you are taking responsibility for your sinful attitudes and actions, as well as your thoughts and feelings about what others have done. "I messages" should not be used to manipulate others to satisfy your desires. Instead, they should be spoken to improve understanding, benefit the listener, and build stronger relationships. 

How well people listen to you is partly up to you 

and your choice to communicate respectfully. 

You will choose to communicate many things, such as:

* What you think              * What you see

* What you believe           * Questions you have

* How you feel                 * Experiences you have had

* What you need              * Thanks and appreciation

* What you want              * Confession and confrontation

Can you think of other things that you communicate? 

You will send these messages by using verbal communication (with words or sounds) or nonverbal communication (without words or sounds). The way you communicate verbally and nonverbally is a choice. Like other choices, what you say and how you say it can lead to conflict. When you choose to send messages by glaring, arguing, throwing temper tantrums, or pouting, you will usually slide down the slippery slope and get into fights and quarrels with others.

We need to communicate to let people know what is going on in our minds and hearts. Clear and careful communication can help people understand us. Look at the following examples of clear or confusing communication that can either reduce the risk of conflict or create misunderstandings and relationship problems. Notice the use of "I messages."

Identify Facts: Facts are things that exist or occur. For example:

"Hey! You need to pick me up at seven o'clock. Be there!" (Disrespectful)

"The game begins at 7:30 tonight. If I'm late again, the coach says I'm off the team. Could you please pick me up at seven o'clock?" (Respectful)

Explain Thoughts: Thoughts include ideas, opinions, attitudes, beliefs, and evaluations. For example:

"Math is dumb!" (Disrespectful)

 "I am not doing as well in math as I though I would." (Respectful)

Express Feelings: Explain how people and circumstances affect you. For example:

"Bobby makes me sick." (Disrespectful)

"I feel angry when Bobby makes fun of me." (Respectful)

Discuss Plans: Describe plans you have made and seek permission to carry them out. For example:

"I am going to Lisa's house. I don't know when I'll be back." (Disrespectful)

 "I'd like to go to Lisa's house. We want to plan a surprise party for Molly's birthday. Would that be okay with you, Mom?" (Respectful)

Describe your Needs or Desires: Needs are things you need in order to live, while desires include things you want. For example: 

"Get me a new bike!" (Disrespectful)

"Dad, I'd sure like to have a new bike. The one I've got is just too small for me this year."  (Respectful)

Express Thanks and Appreciation: Always express thanks for what others have done. Ingratitude is at the root of many conflicts and relationship problems. For example:

"It's about time you made something for dinner that I like." (Disrespectful)

"I sure liked the pizza you made for dinner, Mom. Thanks for letting me choose the menu tonight!" (Respectful)

CONFRONT A PERSON

At times you may need to talk to other people about something they did that was wrong or hurtful. This is called confrontation. It is often wise to ask them to give you permission to explain how their choices affected you or someone else. Be careful that you don't use the word "you" to start your confrontation. "You" is an accusatory word. It usually makes people respond by arguing and excusing their behavior. A respectful "I message" can help people understand how their choices affected you, but it doesn't demand a response from them. Many people will listen to a respectful confrontation and respond with an apology. No matter who they respond, you are only responsible for how you communicate! Listen to the following examples and identify which one is respectful and responsible.

"You never spend time with me." (Disrespectful)

"Dad, may I explain to you how your choices affected me? I felt so disappointed when you broke your promise to take me canoeing on Saturday. It's happened before, and it's hard for me to believe you when you say your are going to do something." (Respectful)

Can you think of other examples of respectful confrontations?

Any communication can lead to conflict if you do not think before you speak. But if you communicate thoughtfully and respectfully, your words can build bridges between you and other people. They will understand you better, and they will usually respond to you in a more respectful way.

CONFESS BEFORE CONFRONTING

There may be times when you sense tension between you and another person. You've tried to overlook the times you've been hurt, but there seems to be a growing problem between the two of you. If you slip into the escape zone, you will probably do nothing except become more angry and resentful toward the person. If instead you slide into the attack zone, you will probably try to retaliate by saying or doing things that hurt the other person. Neither of these responses will please and glorify the Lord, nor will they keep you on top of the slippery slope. You have another choice.

FIRST, you need to examine your own choices and use the 5As to confess your responsibility for any part you played in the conflict. There are three reasons for this:

• First, you need to take responsibility for your part because God tells you to do so (see Matthew 7:5).
• Second, your confession will prevent the other person from using your sin as an excuse for his or her sins.
• Finally, your confession will be a good example for others to follow. Your confession could make it easier for the other person to confess as well.

After using the 5As, you can confront the other person about the things that he or she did that hurt or troubled you. By using "I messages," you can explain to the person how his or her choices affected you. It is important to remember that confrontation must always be done respectfully if it is to glorify God and benefit the other person. It should never be done to hurt someone or just to dump your feelings on someone else.

OVERLOOK OR CONFRONT?

When you are deciding whether or not to confront a person about a problem, it is always a good idea to remember Proverbs 19:11, where God gives wise advice: "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."

In other words, it is wise and pleases God when you overlook or ignore most of the "nit-picky" things others do that bother you. (For example, if your brother ate the last bowl of your favorite cereal for breakfast, it is probably not something that is worth confronting him about.)

But if someone has a sinful habit or if you find yourself getting more upset about a situation, as Carlos did, it is better to confront the person about the problem in a respectful way.

Do you think it would be wise for Carlos to respectfully confront his father about breaking his commitment to go canoeing? (Yes. This has become a pattern that is seriously affecting their relationship.) (C. Sande, pp. 146-149)

1. Carefully read through workbook pages 10-6 and 10-7 to see how Carlos goes about confronting his father. In your notebook, write down any questions you may have about the confrontation process and ask them at the next lesson.

2. Role Play Activity: You need to confront your friend. He asked you to go swimming with him on Saturday morning. He said he would come for you at 10 o'clock, but he didn't show up. Later, you found out that he took another friend to the pool with him. Think about what your are going to say and how your are going to say it so you don't make the problem worse.

3. Role Play Activity: You have made friend with a new kid in your neighborhood who just moved to this country from Viet Nam. Two of your other neighborhood friends ridicule this person because her skin color is different from theirs. And they have started ignoring you because you are acting friendly with her. At first you give them dirty looks and talk about them behind their backs. But then you decide that you need to respectfully confront your friends about how their choices are affecting you and your new friend. Your friends claim to be Christians. Remember to use the 5As to confess your contribution to the conflict first.

4. Role Play Activity: You are angry with your brother for messing up the kitchen just after you cleaned it up. You feel like yelling at him, but then you remember that you messed up his bedroom after he had cleaned it up last Saturday. First, you need to go to him and use the 5As to confess your wrongdoing. The you can confront him about the mess he made and respectfully ask him to clean it up.

5. Write these terms and their meanings in the glossary section of your notebook. 

• verbal communication
• nonverbal communication
• confrontation

6. Recite your Bible memory verse to your classmates. "He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity."    Proverbs 21:23

Sande, Corlette. The Young Peace Maker Teaching Students to Respond to Conflict God’s Way, Illustrated by Russ Flint, Wapwallopen, PA 18660, Shepherd Press, 1997.