Epilogue

Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is 

found in those who take advice. 

Proverbs 13:10 

WHEN AND HOW TO GO AND GET HELP

As we learned in studying the slippery slope, there are three basic ways that you can respond to conflict. You can escape, you can attack, or you can work out your differences in a way that will glorify God. We learned many things that can help you resolve conflicts in a way that pleases the Lord.

We have discussed:

• How you can stay on top of the slippery slope rather than slip into the escape or attack zones. (See blog entries for WEEK 3.)
• What conflict is and where it comes from. (See blog entries for WEEK 4.)
• The fact that your choices may cause or prevent most of your conflicts, and that you will receive either good or bad consequences depending on the choices you make. (See blog entries for WEEK 5.)
• How your conflicts give you an opportunity to glorify God by the way you treat other people. (See blog entries for WEEK 8.)
• The importance of making wise-way choices instead of my-way choices that satisfy your sinful desires. (See blog entries for WEEK 6.)
• How playing the blame game makes conflicts worse, but using the 5As can lead to forgiveness and reconciliation. (See blog entries for WEEK 7 and WEEK 9.)
• How to seek and give the four promises of forgiveness so that relationships can be restored. (See blog entries for WEEK 10.)
• How to alter your choices so that you don't make the same sinful choices again and again. (See blog entries for WEEK 11.)
• The fact that you can prevent or resolve many conflicts by communicating respectfully. (See blog entries for WEEK 12 and WEEK 13.)
• How you can use an appeal to ask people to release you from an unwise commitment or reconsider a decision they are about to make. (See blog entries for WEEK 14.)

As we have discussed these things, most of our attention has been devoted to ways that you can talk things out in private with another person. But as we all know, there will probably be times when we won't be able to overlook a conflict or reach an agreement by talking in private. This is when you will need to use the third step in the work-it-out zone, which is to go and get help from another person. Remember that there are three ways to get help. (C. Sande, p. 183.)

THE FIRST WAY IS COACHING

One way to get help is to ask someone else to give you advice or coach you on how you can do a better job of talking privately with the person who disagrees with you. There may be several people who could give you this advice, including your parents, your pastor, a teacher, or a wise friend. These people can help you plan your words and choose the best time and place to talk to the other person. they can also help you plan what you can do if the other person does not want to be reconciled.

How should you ask someone for help? Should you go tell on the other person, or blame someone else for the problem? As we have already learned, these choices will not help the situation! Instead, you should go to the person you are asking for help and say something like this: "Mom, Terry and I are having a problem. Can you help me work it out?"

You should then explain your problem, talking first about what you have done wrong ("getting the log out of you own eye," as God's Words says to do. See blog entry WEEK 12 - PART 3). When you start to describe what the other person has done wrong, be careful not to exaggerate or place all of the blame on him or her. Once the person coaching you has heard your description, he or she should be able to suggest some things that you may be able to do to resolve the conflict on your own. 

THE SECOND WAY IS MEDIATION

 Let's say that you follow your advisor's suggestions and do all of the right things, but you still can't settle your conflict with the other person. Either you won't forgive each other, or you can't agree about what you are quarreling over. What can you do then? This is a good time for you to get the second kind of help, which Jesus describes in Matthew 18:16. We call this mediation. A mediator meets and talks with both you and the person with whom you are disagreeing. A mediator should be someone you and the other person trust, respect, and to whom you both will listen. Both of you can explain your view of the problem to this person, and he or she can suggest helpful ways for you to come to an agreement. It is important to listen carefully to the mediator's advice. As Proverbs 13:10 says: "Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice" (Proverbs 13:10).

When you first ask the mediator for help, you should be careful not to give lots of details about what the other person did that upset you. Instead, just explain the problem in general and then wait until you and the other person are with the mediator before you go into detail. (This will give the other person a chance to hear what you say and respond to it.) As you give your explanation of what happened, remember to start by telling what you did wrong before you talk about what the other person did.

For example, let's say that Eric has been angry with his friend Terry. When they get together with a mediator, who might be a mutual friend, the mediator could say, "Eric, would you start by describing what you have done to hurt Terry?"

Eric might then say, "Terry, I admit I have said some mean things about you behind your back. I have been telling our friends that you can't be trusted, and I have tried to get them to ignore you because of this conflict. I'm sorry I have hurt your reputation. I will go back to each one of them and explain what I did wrong, and I will encourage them to stay friends with you. Will you please forgive Me? Next time I won't talk behind your back. Instead I'll come talk to you if I am upset about something."

Hopefully, Terry would forgive Eric and also confess what he did wrong. But if he doesn't, the mediator can give Eric an opportunity to confront Terry in a respectful way. The mediator might say, "Eric, is there something that Terry did that you believe was wrong, too?" Then Eric could answer:

"Yes. Terry, I felt frustrated when you wouldn't return my new CD that I let you borrow. It seemed like you had some excuse for not giving it back, and then I heard from Mark that you lost it. This makes it hard for me to trust what you say."

The mediator could then encourage Terry to take responsibility for his part in the conflict. He might say, "Terry, why don't you use the 5As to describe your role in this situation." (See blog entries for WEEK 9.) Terry might then say something like this:

"Eric, I admit that I lost the new CD you loaned me, and then I made excuses for not giving it back to you like I said I would. I am sorry for lying to you. I understand why you don't feel like you can trust what I say. I can't give you the CD I lost, but I will give you the money to get a new one. I'll bring it to your house as soon as I can earn it. Will you forgive me? Next time I'll be more careful with things I borrow from you, and I won't lie to you again, either."

If both Eric and Terry are wise and take the mediator's advice to talk to each other like this, they will probably be able to forgive one another and work out their differences. This is why it is wise to find a mediator when you need help in resolving a conflict. 

THE THIRD WAY IS ARBITRATION

It's usually best for people to resolve a conflict by coming to a voluntary agreement, either on their own or with the help of a mediator. But sometimes this just won't happen. For example, let's say the Eric and Terry forgive one another, but they can't come to an agreement about who is responsible for replacing the CD. What can they do? this is when they need to get a third type of help, which is called arbitration. They would ask the person who has been mediating to go one step further and make the decision about who should replace the CD. Both boys would need to submit to that decision without arguing, and then they should move on with their friendship.

As you can see, there are always ways to resolve a conflict constructively if everyone is willing to obey God's Word and follow the conflict resolution processes he teaches us through the Bible. When we cannot overlook offenses or resolve conflicts on our own, we should get whatever help we need from others to lay the matter to rest. This can sometimes take time and effort, but it will always please God when we try to resolve conflicts the way he commands. When we do that, we can experience the joy and satisfaction that come from being a peacemaker. Therefore, let's pray that the Lord will help us do all the things that we have learned in these lessons so that Jesus' promise will come true in our lives:

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they

 shall be called the children of God" (Matthew 5:9, KJV).

(C. Sande, pp. 184-5.)

Sande, Corlette. The Young Peace Maker Teaching Students to Respond to Conflict God’s Way, Illustrated by Russ Flint, Wapwallopen, PA 18660, Shepherd Press, 1997.