The Communication Pie WEEK 13 - PART 3

When we started this study of "The Young Peace Maker" did you ever think that the key to making peace might be in the way you say things? Perhaps you thought that it would require talking to large audiences, memorizing specific principles, or lots of scripture, or giving up doing what you really like. 

But I think we have come to see that being a peace maker is more about making relatively small changes like talking about our feelings and disappointments instead of hiding them. And then when we do talk about our feelings, to do so with a humble heart and in a respectful manner. Being a peace maker is something we can do everyday and with relatively little effort except to be respectful.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

Ephesians 4:29

It is important for us and pleasing to God when we put others' needs ahead of our own needs. We are learning to be a benefit to those around us, especially people in our own families. Yet we also know that we can respectfully share our feelings with those around us because we can count on their respectfulness in return and their listening with concern to us and for us. 

MORE COMMUNICATION PIE

We have two more pieces of the pie to learn about and put into practice: body language and listening. Look at Workbook pages 11-5 and 11-6 as we go through the following material.

USING RESPECTFUL BODY LANGUAGE

Remember, respectful communication is more likely to be heard, and that applies to nonverbal communication. Like words and tone of voice, nonverbal messages (also called "body language") can be either respectful or disrespectful.

With respectful body language, you will encourage people to pay attention to what you think and how you feel. Let's consider some right and wrong ways to use body language to communicate.

Eye Contact: We communicate a great deal with our eyes. Therefore, it is important to use eye contact respectfully. In many cultures looking at the person to whom you are talking is appropriate. Doing so shows that you are paying attention and trying to understand what is being said. (In some cultures, direct eye contact may not be appropriate or respectful.)

Your eye contact can be either respectful, inviting communication, or disrespectful, cutting off communication. Here are some examples: 

Respectful:

• Look at the person to whom you are talking
• Look interested
• Look to show you are listening

Disrespectful:

• Roll your eyes
• Look away to look at something else
• Glare at the person

Facial Expressions: Facial expressions often show what is in your heart. A smiling facial expression is one that comes from a cheerful heart, and most people like to look at it. You can choose to look friendly, understanding, pleased, excited and so on. Facial expressions can also tell others when you feel scared, disappointed, angry, frustrated and sad, just to name a few.

Respectful:

• Friendly
• Smiling, cheery
• Understanding, compassionate
• Excited, happy
• Sad, disappointed (These can also be communicated disrespectfully.)

Disrespectful:

• Bored frowning, pouting, glaring

Body Posture: Your body posture can also communicate that you are listening respectfully to what is being said. It is usually best to sit up or stand straight, face the person who is talking, and lean forward just a little. Doing so will communicate that you are taking an interest in what the other person is saying. On the other hand, when you slump down, fold your arms, turn away, or walk away, you send the message that you don't care about what is being said. You will probably develop a bad reputation, and other people may have a tendency to ignore what you have to say. Remember that you can choose what kind of body posture you will use.

Respectful:

• Sit up or stand straight
• Face the person who is talking
• Lean forward a little

Disrespectful:

• Slump down
• Look all around instead of at the person who is talking
• Fold arms
• Turn away or stomp off
• Glare and get too close to the other person

Gestures: Gestures are another type of body language, and are usually done with your hands or arms. For instance, when you wave at a friend at a football game, and you motion to him to come sit next to you, you are using gestures in a friendly way. You might also wave at a person who is backing out of a parking place and is about to hit your bike, but you would probably wave your arms like crazy to signal to the person to stop before your bike gets crunched! However, when you shake your fist at someone, you are sending a threatening gesture, which may result in a conflict. Throwing things and slamming doors are also disrespectful gestures that cause conflict between you and others. As you can see, gestures can help or hinder good communication, as well as strengthen or tear down relationships.

Respectful:

• Wave at someone
• Motion to someone to come

Disrespectful:

• Shake your fist
• Throw things
• Slam doors

USING RESPECTFUL LISTENING

Proverbs 18:13 says, "He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame." 

God wants his children to grow in righteousness and holiness instead of giving in to angry or careless speech. He desires that his children control their tongues and recognize when it is wise to keep quiet and listen.

First, listen to God.  James 1:19-20 says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to talk and slow to get angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."

Be quick to listen to what God wants you to learn as you read his Word. God can help you grow in righteousness as you listen carefully to his Word and obey what it says.

Then listen carefully to others. Be quick to listen for the truth in what others say to you instead of getting angry when you don't like what you are hearing. One way to be a careful listener is to look at the person who is talking. This helps you to concentrate on what he or she is saying, and it sends a message that you are listening to what is being said. By listening, you are setting an example for the other person to listen to you when it's your turn to speak. 

Another way to be a careful listener is to stop yourself from interrupting others when they are talking. Sometimes this is hard to do, especially if someone won't let you have a chance to talk. If this is the case, maybe you could use a respectful gesture to let the other person know that you have something you would like to say.

Sometimes you may not understand what someone is trying to communicate to you. When this happens, be a mirror and reflect back to the person what you have heard. It may also be necessary for you to tell them you don't understand their point. Just make sure you do it respectfully. For instance you could say:

• "I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you mean."
• "Could you explain to me what you mean by that?"

In addition, you will need to use self-control to listen when others say things that you don't like or don't want to hear. Your first reaction may be to blow up or clam up, but remember that communicating in these ways can cause conflict. Instead of blowing up or clamming up, pray that the Lord will help you listen for the truth and try to understand the other person's point of view, even if you don't agree with it. With God's help you can disagree without being disagreeable. Here are some ideas you could use to respond in a respectful way:

• "It's hard to hear you say that, but I see what you mean."
• "I can understand what you are saying, but I disagree."

Another important part of listening is responding to what was said, especially when a request is involved. Think about how you listen to your mother or father when they ask you to do something. The smartest and wisest response is to quickly and cheerfully obey. There may be times, however, when you are doing something else that is important, and you may need to respectfully ask if you could respond to the request later. For example, you may be working on a homework assignment that must be completed by the next morning. This is a good reason to ask if you could finish your homework before you do what your parent has asked. If you listen and respond quickly and respectfully to other people's requests, you will encourage them to do the same for you. 

There are just a few ideas that you can use to become a better listener. When you develop more effective listening skills, you will probably find that you will learn and understand more about people and they will be more likely to listen to you. A popular poster shows a cowboy saying to a young boy, "If you're talkin' you ain't learnin'." That idea echoes King Solomon's proverb, where he says, "He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame." (Proverbs 18:13, see above.)

Careful listening is an important part of respectful communication. Without it, people can easily be misunderstood and conflict is often the result. (C. Sande, pp. 160-3.)

Let's pray the prayer on Workbook, p. 11-8 together.

Dear Lord, thank you that you have taught me in the Bible how I can communicate in a way that pleases you and builds others up. Sometimes when I get angry and frustrated, or when I just want my own way, I say and do things that hurt others. Please forgive me for my selfishness and help me to communicate to everyone in a respectful way. Teach me to use respectful words with a

respectful tone of voice. Help me to use the right kind of nonverbal communication that shows respect for others, and help me to become a better listener. Thank you for loving me enough to help me to change. In Jesus' name,

Amen.

1. Let's practice sending messages using nonverbal communication. Each of you needs to communicate something to the class using body language. You can use eye contact, facial expressions, body posture, or gestures. Here are some ideas:

• I like you.
• I have a flat tire on my bike.
• I am so tired.
• I am so excited.

Discuss these questions with your classmates:

2. What was it like communicating nonverbally? 

3. Did anyone understand your messages? 

4. What could have made your communication more effective?

5. Roll Play Activity: You have been looking forward to a group picnic scheduled for this afternoon. Suddenly, you realize that you are late, so you grab your jacket, tell you mother that you are leaving and run to the park as fast as you can. When you get there, you realize that you forgot to bring your lunch for the picnic. Using the communication pie, call you mother and explain the situation. Make a respectful request that she bring your lunch to the park.

Sande, Corlette. The Young Peace Maker Teaching Students to Respond to Conflict God’s Way, Illustrated by Russ Flint, Wapwallopen, PA 18660, Shepherd Press, 1997.